I rest my eyes,
I try to sleep,
But the demons always follow me,
And in my dreams they creep,

Pain and punishment,
Is all I’ve ever really known,
I try to get better each and every day,
But the demons will always call my mind their home,

So in the darkness,
My head will always be,
They will make sure of it,
By confusing my thoughts and blinding everything I see,


My friends and family don’t understand,
So I push them all away,
I’m used to fighting the devil in the darkness alone,
And the darkness is where I’ll always stay,

I did try to get help though,
But their advice only comes from books,
They will never be able to fully understand the terror I face,
Those medical helpers/The pharmaceutical crooks,

I sit in the middle of the room,
Completely lost in demonic thought,
The evil and madness slithers all around me,
My attention and focus has been caught,

The screams that I hear,
That forever frightens my ear,
Have now actually become a comfort to me,
Sanity and logic being nowhere near,

The demons forever talk to me,
Which is more than what you lot are actually willing to do,
Friends from fear…… huh…… who knew,

I do still manage to life my life quite well though,
I only cut myself every now and again,
And I barely notice the blood anymore,
But then again I suppose I have been cutting since I was ten,

No one really notices I have schizophrenia,
Unless I talk about it of course,
I just quietly sit in the corner pretending to be normal,
Whilst my head swims around in a concoction of mental health Bolognese sauce,

It’s quite funny but the demons actually give me the want and the reason to try and repair,
And not give up and too fight,
It helps me stay strong in this messed up world,
So I suppose…. from the darkness there comes light,

Schizophrenia,
Such a feared word,
I am neither the devil nor his advocate,
Your knowledge, although very little I can guarantee you, is blurred,

I do not practice witchcraft or ruin your crops,
And the only person to fear the evil in my head is me,
But at least when you burn me at the stake,
The demons might finally set this tortured boy free.

Wrote on: 31/05/2024

Travelling like moisture in the air,
Lost in the currents of the wind,
Taken as a droplet from the ocean,
Unique as a singular, but completely obsolete as a part of everything,

The flow of life took me from everything I once knew,
Made my existence both essential yet pointless,
It took control of all my being,
And stole away from me my choices,

As the winds slowly defined me,
And with all my senses forever trapped in the absolutions of time,
My soul had vanished,
And reality and even my life was no longer mine,

I became the air itself,
Travelling on a Jetstream through the atmosphere of space,
I was nowhere but I was also everywhere,
Like a prisoner of solitude with emptiness for a face,

And now,
As I stand not even a memory that serves long or short,
To me, my journey was my all,
But in the grand scheme of things, I wasn’t even a second thought,

So in my experience of being part of what was real,
Bitterness to me, tasted ever so sweet,
For I was born, I lived and I even died,
My journey…… now complete.

Wrote on: 17/05/2024

Losing who I am, I walk and I wonder,
And as I lose the track of time with the madness of everyday,
I ask my mind if it’s me or if it’s the world that surrounds,
Our reality lost so madness can come out and play,

I ask myself am I human or am I beast,
Am I spirit, life, death or am I even real,
And as I stop to feed the pigeons,
A brief glimpse of what I have questioned is revealed,

The moon watches our dreams,
As we travel to the other realms,
The sun burning our backs as we toil the fields,
The heat of life so powerful that it overwhelms,

The wind rustles in the air,
So the trees can chitter and chatter with their leaves,
The ground shakes from the footsteps of the beasts,
Primal innocence, still yet to be stolen by the technological thieves,

The seas crash against the beaches, the cliffs and the stones,
Dominating and unforgiving,
No mercy for us humans,
For we are alive, but not really living,

The rains fall down to wash away all the sin,
Too birth fresh and new,
Nature’s plan, powerful and all knowing,
That is undefiable, undeniable, but also imaginary and only in the minds of me and you,

Harmony, which around it once was,
But chaos now the forever norm,
Nature not knowing what to do now,
But soon cometh the storm,

We have just simply lost our way in this world,
The money and power took control,
We ignore our primal being,
Whilst convincing ourselves it’ll be ok cos we created the idea of a soul,

We condemn the idea of death,
When death is just as important as life,
The spirit of nature begs for us to understand,
But the our lost ways are contagious and rife,

We live a life that was not destined for us,
We strayed far from the path,
And as we walk further away yet beg to find our way back,
Our tears of desperation fall, but we also mock and laugh,

So the pigeons approach with caution,
Dark times can come for them just by association,
The simple pleasures of manmade feed,
As we take photos of the story but tell lies with narration.

So if you do lose your mind to madness,
And if money and power makes your ambition it’s home,
Then so be it, you poor forgetful primal beast,
Cos the only life we can trade to the modern….. Is our own,

The pigeon will still eat,
And the pigeon will still fly,
Cos the pigeon does not question what it is,
That luxury is only for you and I……

Wrote on: 13/05/20204

When I wake up with tears in my eyes, I survive,

When my head screams that I am worthless, I survive,

When I feel like there is no hope, I survive,

When I scream and beg for it all to stop, I survive,

When no one will answer that phone, I survive,

When I am lost, scared and alone, I survive,

And even though I don’t know why I want to……. I always will.


I was born alone and I’ll die alone,
And even if sanity does not call my mind it’s home,
If the skies and seas that I travel,
Are in fact just mud, dirt and gravel,
If reality is not mine,
Then I will not waste my time,
Focusing on what I do not know,
Cos my existence is too precious to throw,
The birds and the bees,
The sun and seas,
They fought me,
But they also thought me,
That life ain’t for the weak,
And if you want a voice you have to speak,
Courage comes from fear,
Strength from weakness,
Gain from loss,
And hope from bleakness,


Cos when I am at my lowest,
That is when I shall thrive,
Life you will never beat me,
Cos guess what motherfucker….. I will ALWAYS survive!!!!!

Wrote on the morning of 09/05/2024 after 20 minutes of crying which started the moment I woke up.

We Gotta Keep On Keeping On…. I’ve got this….. You’ve Got This……. Stay Strong Party People!!!

I’m a ghost in my mind,
Lost in all the confusion,
I float on the waves of darkness,
Before crashing into the rocks of delusion,

I’m gone with the wind,
Singing the songs that only isolation can hear,
Warmed by the fires of nothing,
And made cold by a single broken tear,

Reality not being mine to possess,
Made crazy by my own thoughts of self-hate,
Constantly punishing myself until I snap,
Believing in recovery but constantly wondering in the darkness being my fate,

Tablets forced down my gullet,
To mend my broken mind,
A disastrous chemical imbalance,
Which masked the so called peace that was stolen from my limited time,

I’m a perfect cocktail of the times,
Medical ruin and generational trauma,
Not feeling one with my so called own,
And separated from all walks of flora and fauna,

A lost soul who has no soul,
With a heart that beats to which I cannot feel,
My only being, being broken thoughts,
Trapped in a shell called a body which perceives as real,

I am the death and I am the dust,
The ashes and the air,
But I’m also neither, either and none,
A mirage of atoms that ain’t really there,

I was abandoned by reality,
Only being allowed to be born so I could die,
With certainty itself being completely uncertain,
Life and death both a lie,

The fear, panic and pain,
Needed a place to call home,
Put into an embodiment that is called me,
Never to settle but forever to roam,

I was imprisoned by an atmosphere too far gone,
Forever locked away in the cellars of the non-existent,
Segregated into my own which is none,
Floating on an island on a cloud both far and distant,

I try to use logic,
But logic itself is illogical,
And when I talk of the broken thoughts that plagues my mind,
I’m considered weird, crazy or a fool,

So if I’m honest, I know not of who I am,
Whether my reality is even true,
I know nothing of anything or anything of nothing,
I just know I’m not like any of you.

Wrote on: 01/05/2024

I don’t know what my future brings,
Whether it be good or bad,
But either way I await eagerly,
Cos if I didn’t, I’d be mad,

I’ve done a lot of thinking lately,
And I’ve really focussed on what kind of man I am,
I asked myself “Why am I forever stuck in the darkness”
And why I convince myself I will forever be damned,

But the answers that I received back,
Came as a surprise to me,
My sentence in the prison of self-hate now has a potential end,
And one day freedom I might actually be allowed to see,

I still don’t know when I will be allowed out,
I just know that my realise is now actually a potential,
Cos apparently my sentence is being cut short,
Cos my punishment was more than substantial,

For what I thought would be a lifetime of pain,
For a man rotten to his core,
Was just a time out for a good man who just simply made mistakes,
And my prison time need not go on for much more,

So I await my eventual release,
From the HMP of Self Hate,
To which I have been granted,
Cos I done the punishment, but I also decided to learn and educate,

So if I can,
I shall share with you what my time inside has taught me,
And I do hope you listen,
Cos once you enter the walls of that hell hole it’s hard to be set free,

We have all have challenges and we all have made mistakes,
But it doesn’t define who we are,
And as long as we own it and learn from it,
We need not serve time and shall only see the HMP of Self hate from a far,

So allow yourselves to repair,
And realise the demands from the demons in our heads we need not adhere,
Cos as soon as I get the key to my cell,
I’m getting the fuck outta here!!!

Wrote on: 30/03/2024

I feel trapped in the nothingness,
Lost in a void of vague,
And the calmness of it all,
Circles me like a plague,

All I want to do is sleep,
Drift away in the seas and the skies,
And I think if I died right now,
I don’t even think I’d realise,

Lost, Alone,
Numb and removed,
With no fight in me left,
Cos the survivor inside of me was smothered and abused,

I can’t cry,
I can’t even think,
Free falling into a standstill of nothing,
Going in no direction all whilst I do nothing but sink,

My eyes are heavy,
My heartbeat is still,
I’m nothing but an empty shell,
A broken man who forgot what it’s like to even be able to feel,

I’m in a state of hollow,
Deep in an empty womb of bleak,
With no thoughts nor words left in my mind,
With no ability or strength left inside me to even speak,

I’m floating in a dream of withdrawn,
As I crumble into the sofa powerless and deprived,
I forfeit my strength to carry on,
And I let the fates of depression decide,

I’m gone,
All my strength and fight depleted,
And I lay deep in purgatory on my sofa,
Broken and defeated.

Wrote on: 11/02/2024

Sweet bird of mine,
Feathers of colour and gold,
Sing a song of pure for us,
Woe my troubles of young and old,

Locked up to perform,
Your smiles and sunshine taken,
Now nothing but a mere sideshow attraction,
With the strength and courage in your heart slowly breaking,

Stolen from an age of young,
You never really stood a chance,
Now you spend all your days in this rusty cage,
Singing songs you hate and doing your tedious dance,

The bird begs for its freedom,
Getting lost in its own imaginary hope,
But dreaming of a life outside this prison,
Is the only way this beautiful animal can cope,

But it already knows resistance is futile,
The fight inside him virtually all gone,
So instead of begging for freedom,
It sings me a pretty song,

He looks outside the window,
Only bars separate him from a life worth living,
He can taste the air of liberty upon his tongue,
But song and dance he must keep giving,

Over time, I saw the birds hope slowly vanish,
Becoming institutionalised by my greed,
It’s spirit now broken,
Knowing he will never get freed

It gets fed and watered,
The bare minimum of existence,
Beaten by the hypocrisy of my wants and needs,
His desire for freedom now long and distant,

Sometimes I look at him,
With pity and sorrow,
With guilt in my heart, I say I’ll free him later today,
But I said that yesterday and I’ll say it again tomorrow,

Because the truth is, if I ever wanted that bird to fly,
I’d have to open the cage door and let it free,
But I can’t ever release him from his prison,
Because that caged bird……. Is me.

Wrote on: 19/01/2024

I don’t want happiness to just be a word,
I don’t want the idea of stable life to be absurd,
I don’t want my pain to be my earning,
I don’t want the value of my own life to be concerning,
I don’t want to be scared no more,
I don’t want to keep losing everything I cherish and adore,
I don’t want to be different, weird, unique or even the same,
I don’t want to feel sick when I hear my own name,
I don’t want to remember but I don’t want to forget,
I want to give up, but I don’t want to quit,
I don’t want to disbelieve someone’s true love for me,
I don’t want to imprison myself anymore; I want to be set free,

I don’t want to have been conditioned or programmed wrong,
And I want hear the words and melody and not just the song,

I want acceptance of who I am in my mind,
And I don’t want to keep searching for answers when theres none to find,

I have worn my mask for so long,
That even I can’t remember what I now look like,
But I’ve realised you can’t open your eyes,
When long ago you lost your sight,

So to answer your question,
What do I want from this life?
I want to let myself live,
And to actually have a life….

Wrote on: 18/01/2024

The journey of life is a strange one,
With a few misguided crossroads thrown in,
And our decision to what road we head down,
Comes from an unknown desire deep within,

But when it comes to our journey,
Life forced me to do mine on my own,
With no beginning or end,
Where ever I lay my beer is my home,

I forgot all my directions,
And ended up getting lost,
A joyous walk that turned into a nightmare,
Where my sanity was the cost,

I’m off the beaten path,
Far away from all of you,
Trapped in my own little world of madness,
Where my destination is both the riddle and the clue,

I ramble through heartache,
I strut through my pain,
I wear a coat when it’s sunny,
And a vest and shorts in the rain,

I couldn’t afford a sat-nav,
And I left all my maps behind,
I traded my compass in the pub,
And my watch can’t tell the time,

I’m stomping through the sadness,
With a broken smile upon my face,
Convincing myself I’m settled,
As I roam from place to place,

I fall asleep in the local asylum,
But wake up in the gutters of town,
And every day I wake with a smile on my face,
But I wake up upside down,

I shout land ahoy!
When I’m deep underground,
I swim with piranhas,
And dance with headless chickens running round,

Long story short, my journey makes no odds,
Whether It big or small,
And it’s ok that I am content with being lost,
Cos it is my journey after all.

Wrote on: 22/12/2023