I’ve spent a life time running,
Running to escape who I am,
Never accepting that I could one day recover,
I always just thought that I was forever damned,

I convinced myself that I had to suffer,
That is was my sole purpose for being here,
And in order for me to pay my debt to be alive,
I had to pay in misery and tears,

I spent 32 years thinking this,
And I just got used to the self-hatred and the depression,
I got used to being numb and empty,
And taking medication to kill the remaining feelings and expressions,

Then one I day I woke up,
From yet another nightmare fuelled night,
In an empty and lonely flat,
With an overwhelming feeling of no longer wanting to fight,

And with my head reminding me,
That everything and everyone I ever loved has given up on me,
I walked through my once marital home,
With no friends, family or wife that did I see,

That I decided enough was enough,
That I was done dealing with all this shit,
And as I started to push down that razor into my wrist,
That survivor in me screamed “Get a fucking grip!!!”

I jolted back and then accessed the situation,
And asked myself “Callum, What the hell are you doing?”
And It was that moment I realised that I have been focussing on my suffering,
But in reality, surviving is what I’ve been doing,

I’ve never been able to repair,
Cos I just accepted I had to suffer,
All because hating myself was so easy,
And telling myself that I was worth it, was a lot tougher,

I know it will be a hard, long journey,
But hopefully I’m now on the road to recovery,
And it’s all because, for once in my whole life,
I started to give a fuck about me.

Wrote on: 08/08/2023