Will I ever know the reason?
Why my mind has performed treason,
Why I hate myself so much,
Why I beg for a painful death and such,
Why I feel not worthy of life,
Why I slice myself with razor and knife,
Why my demons never stop,
Why my life for death I’d swap,
Why I drink until I’m deep into an abyss,
Why with even cocaine I don’t find internal bliss,
Why do I never feel good enough?
Drink and drug it until I feel rough,
Why do put myself down all the time,
Why peace, I will never find,
Why the past haunts,
Whilst my demons taunt,
Why do I hate my waking soul,
Why do I never feel complete or whole,
Why will my demons never leave me be,
The answer to all this, is because I’m me,
Me is the problem, the reason I suffer,
Me and only me and not a single other,
So if you see me with a sad lonesome looking face,
Depressed and moping about the place,
Don’t ask why I can’t ever be free,
I’m just tired of the weight of me.

Wrote on 08/04/2023

I’m a strong survivor,
Who barely makes it threw it each day,
A strong leader of men,
Who’s got lost somewhere on the way,
I’m a hopeless romantic,
Whose heart is broken,
I’ll give you the air we need,
But on it I’m choking,
I’m a poet,
But I don’t know how to spell,
And as my words send your mind to literary heaven,
My soul goes further into hell,
I’m the life and soul of each party,
Who’ll make you laugh all day and all night,
But I also am a nobody,
Who cries himself to sleep each night,
I’ll make you feel good about yourself,
Tell you that you’re worth it,
But it won’t work both ways,
As I never stop feeling like shit,
I usually have a smile upon my face,
But inside I’m crying,
A smiling clown with tears in his eyes,
Like an angel that is secretly dying,
I’m like a lost prayer,
To a bible that gives hope,
I promote life,
Whilst online shopping for a strong rope,
I have NFG tattooed on me,
No Fucks Given,
Jump in whilst the fire’s hot I say,
But in the shadows, I stay hidden,
I’m a socialite, and I’m a loner,
I’m a loner and I’m socialite,
Your best friend who’s always admired,
But I go home alone each and every night.

Wrote on: 27/03/2023

No matter where I go,
No matter what I do,
I feel like I’m a burden,
Not a part of all of you,
I feel like an alien,
I feel all alone,
I feel like I’m unwanted by society,
And this overwhelming feeling is all I have ever known,
Maybe I would be better off dead,
Maybe it would be better if I wasn’t here,
Cos I’m tired of this constant feeling of isolation,
And tired of crying my tears,
I know I’m too much at times,
Needy and insecure,
But I feel like spending time with me,
For all of you, is a chore,
I always feel in the way,
A feeling I have deep within,
A problematic fuck up,
I’m a burden beyond my sins,
I don’t feel part of this world,
I am a socially inept outcast,
And I convince myself that if someone wants my friendship,
That it’s fake and won’t last,
I feel like my words are not my words,
That I speak gibberish and stand out,
A crazy man on the loose,
A noticeable weirdo who shouldn’t be let out,
I’m alone in the shadows of life,
Forever the beast no one needs,
And whilst you are all pretty flowers,
I am nothing but a weed,
And no matter what I do in life,
This alone feeling never goes away,
So from birth till my death,
A lonely burden I shall stay.

Wrote on: 10/03/2023

Today is another day,
Another day of loneliness and isolation,
Another day of not feeling wanted,
Another day of chronic masturbation,

Today is another day of feeling tired,
Fatigued, old and unwell,
Another day of being tortured by my demons,
Another day of hell,

Today is another day,
Another day of being broke with no place to go,
Another day of hating myself,
With fresh cuts to show,

Today is another day the doctors phone me,
Phoning to either moan or sympathise,
Today is another day I say I’m ok,
Another day I tell them a lie,

Today is another day,
Another day my head screams kill yourself,
Another day of me contemplating suicide,
Another day of mental health,

Today is just another day,
The same as any other,
I have to wear my mask and face this world,
Instead of hiding under my bed cover,

My life is a struggle,
No matter what I do or say,
Hopefully tomorrow will be better,
But tomorrow is just another day.

Wrote on: 07/03/2023

My river of tears that I swim in,
Getting deeper and deeper the more I swim,
I flooded the banks and I flooded the land,
Even the reaper didn’t have any of this planned,
My lonely tears keep falling down,
I’m know my fate, I’m sure to drown,
Stormy weather’s straight ahead,
But clear skies a wait once I am dead,
There is no saviour waiting for me,
My lifeless body will float to sea,
My tears didn’t keep the demons at bay,
Only the burden that was once me was washed away,
Tears of burden, tears of mad,
I sail the seven seas of sad,
Washed up on a rocky shore,
Like the tears from once before,
My soul an outcast, this life is rotten,
Just another dead man soon to be forgotten.

Wrote on: 21/02/2023

Lock the door,
Close the curtains,
I ain’t going to smile anytime soon,
That’s for certain,

Feeling depressed,
Not eaten today,
I’m nothing but a tearful burden,
Only in the way,

My depression is too much
My pain is too real,
I’m numb and empty,
Too numb to feel,

A tear rolls down my face,
A singular lonesome tear,
I hug my pillow,
Whilst shaking with sorrow and fear,

I sleep all day,
And then I wake with tears in my eyes,
I beg for it all to stop,
No time to say goodbye,

I get up,
The first time today,
I light up a cigarette,
Just to watch it burn away,

I curl up into a ball
On my kitchen floor,
I whimper and shake with anxiety,
And then I whimper some more,

I’m stay on the floor in the kitchen,
I stay there all night,
With the fridge humming my only constant,
Too exhausted to move, to worn out to fight,

The morning sun shines outside,
Whilst my darkness stays,
I’ve lost track of the empty void I’m in,
As I lose consciousness and fade away,

I am in the sea of abyss,
A depressed death like void,
And any chance I had of recovery,
Was cut out and destroyed

I have depression
Completely dead inside,
But death don’t scare me,
As I already know what it’s like to die.

Wrote on: 16/02/2023

I’m a man of love,
And I’m a man of hate,
I always try to do what’s right,
But I’ve made too many mistakes,
I saw the sun rise,
And I saw the sun set,
Then I fell asleep,
And the peace and I never met,
I saw the dark,
I saw the light,
I rejected the peace,
Cos I saw the fight,
For all of this,
I am hated and the outcast,
And my time on this earth,
Shall not last,
I’m the bastard of kings,
The lowest of the low,
I am the forgotten breed,
With nothingness, the only thing I know,
A lover, a fighter,
A sinner, a saint,
But a man about to be forgiven,
I certainly ain’t,
I’m swinging from my noose,
And there’s nobody there,
I’m swinging from my noose,
Cos nobody listened and nobody cared,
Rot in the ground,
The judge screamed at me,
Swing from that noose,
And join death in the valley,
I did try to please you,
But my sins not forgiven,
Apparently my broken heart and soul,
Made me not worth living,
Death called me,
The only one to call me by my name,
The darkness of hate and death,
Me and it, are now the same,
Now I am in the eyes,
Of the sun and the moon,
And although I am dead,
My unheard voice shall come soon,
Reap the rewards,
Of the plants I did not sow,
And the emptiness of the void,
You shall all know,
I tried,
I tried you bastards I tried,
But my fate is sealed,
Cos your leader, she lied,
I am no more,
Not rich, not poor,
And I am now dead and empty,
Like I was before.
I’m sick of the sickness,
I am not in good health,
I have not no one,
Only me and myself,
A man unable to love,
Or a man who refuses to be broken hearted,
Cos the love I did have,
Died when we parted.
I vow to go,
Where the heavens will not speak,
A broken man,
Who had to turn the other cheek,
Goddamn you,
Sweet voice of memory,
I shall rise from this painful grave,
And once again be me,
Never beaten,
A survivor of your lies,
For my neck may be in that noose,
But it was only a fragment of me that died.
So be happy,
Do what you need to do,
You are just angry,
I learnt to survive without you,
Sweet angel of heaven,
Dark angel of hell,
I was once dead,
But I am certainly alive now.


Wrote on 10/01/2023

This is a poem about the stages of my depression through my divorce to my wife. I had lost all hope and hit a depression like never before. I was in a very dark place and unable to see a future for myself. Then that survivor inside of me (And with the help from close friends) I started to see positivity.

I don’t know who I am any more,
I ain’t the person I once saw,
I just want to fade away and go,
But why? That I don’t know,
I’m broken and have been for a long time,
I want calm but only more demons I find,
All I want is for inner peace,
But I know I’ll only ever get that when I am deceased,

I’m drunk as fuck tonight,
Begging to be wanted but with no one in sight,
I’m fucked up and off my face,
It’s time for me to leave this human rat race,

I see the reaper and he’s lonely,
I see him and him only,
I just need to cuddle and to cry,
Even if it means I have to surrender my life,

The reaper is stood at my front gate,
Asking for a connection, both lover and mate,
We both need to just be alone together,
Two broken damaged souls, like birds of a feather,
So I invite him in and make him a drink,
No words are spoken with no room to think,
We chat and we cry together alone,
I feel close to him, the closest to someone that I’ve ever known,
We have a few more drinks, me and Grim,
And although I’m already broken, I find peace within,
I tell him that I can’t take anymore,
As he picks my mentally broken ass up off the floor,
We embrace both crying,
We cuddle both dying,
Then my speaker plays a song we both like,
And we decide to conclude our emotional night
But not before the end of the song,
We both smile knowing that death won’t be long,

So, I’m dirty dancing with death,
So dance with me Reaper, till my last breath,
You have peace deep within,
So Dance with me, my sweet grim,
You’re the only who truly knows me,
So dance and let my soul be free,
It will be my last ever dance with someone true,
And I’m so glad it was with you,
So get close to me and let the music take control,
Show me inner peace and I’ll trade you my soul,
My phone is turned off and the lights are down low,
I’m dirty dancing with death with only one place left to go,
You don’t see me as broken or a mess,
You see me as innocent and pure, someone who’s at their best,

The song comes to an end,
And I smile as death is now my friend,
I know my time hear is now done,
And I no longer have to run,
I will finally be able to rest,
And with inner peace I shall be blessed,
He smiles and holds my hand,
And says “I got to do this, I hope you understand”
It all goes dark and my eyes close,
And what happened, I really don’t know,
But I wake up 4 hours later,
With my head clear and my understanding greater,
I look around and I cannot believe,
That he didn’t take my life but instead saved me,
Next to my bed was a simple note,
In words that I or he wrote,
Weather it right, weather it wrong,
He put “I enjoyed last night, stay strong”

So, I dirty danced with death,
Hoping he would take my last breath,
But instead,
I’m now more alive than I have ever been dead.


Wrote on 17/11/2022

A ready meal for one,
A bottle of vodka calling my name,
A room full of emptiness,
Reminding me I failed at loves game,
With Christmas fast approaching,
Less than a week away,
I pray that someone asks for my friendship,
But it defiantly won’t be today,
All I want is a cuddle at Christmas,
All I want is to not be alone,
I’m used to isolation and darkness,
But this is the darkest isolation I have ever known,
I had a family once,
But I wasn’t good enough to keep hold of it,
So I will be spending Christmas alone,
With constant reminders I had it all, and then lost it,
I will be getting drunk,
To numb the pain of being alone,
I will be inside my prison,
That I once called a family home,
I will be drinking Jackie D,
When you pour your gravy,
I will be trembling with loneliness,
When you give your present to your lady,
When you eat your turkey,
I will be eating my tears,
When you hear the bang of the cracker,
I’ll be facing my deepest fears,
I’ll be going manic,
When you eat your Brussel sprouts,
And when you get a cuddle at Christmas,
I’ll be passing out.

Wrote on: 21/12/2022

Another night I can’t sleep,
Filled with loneliness, regrets and isolation,
I try to relax as the sun rises,
But self-hate is my only meditation,
I stay clear from drugs,
And I try not to drown myself in drink,
My head and thoughts are empty,
But the quietness is so loud I can’t hear myself think,
Lately, women stay clear of me,
As they think I am on the rebound,
It may be true I’ve lost my marriage,
But with that, even more demons I have found,
I am a survivor, that is true,
But there is something I need to confess,
When you are constantly at war with yourself,
Sometimes even survivors need a chance to rest,
If I invite you over,
For a drink and a chat,
Don’t presume I want sex,
Cos tonight I don’t want that,
I just don’t want depression to beat me,
As I really want to live,
So when I ask you to hold me close,
It’s cos I need someone to cry with,
Let us connect through our demons,
And turn darkness into light,
A chance for us to repair our souls,
And cry together all night,
Let our tears mend our wounds,
Let our pain drift away,
Cos we are both fucked in the head,
And the ones who cared, we’ve already pushed away,
So, please hold me close,
And tell me it will be ok,
Let’s laugh, cuddle and cry together,
And let’s survive another broken day,
Let the low mist of self-hate rise,
Let them vanish if only brief,
Let me take off my mask,
So I can remember the beauty that lies underneath,
I need a cry buddy,
Damaged with benefits,
A one night cry fest,
A night to repair without judgement or prejudice,
So, cry my sweet cry buddy,
Cry all night with me,
Let the tears of a life of hurt fall,
Let them tears escape from you and me.


Wrote on: 30/11/2022