Lying awake in bed,
Paralysed deep in my thought,
Seeking long lost answers,
To lessons life should have already taught,
Am I even good enough for this?
To just simply exist amongst it all,
Who even am I?
But a deluded and confused fool,
I sit there pointlessly numb,
With my mind pacing and racing,
Pondering my crazy thoughts,
With dreams I long ago stopped chasing,
I ask all of life’s questions,
In what seems like forever,
But only minutes pass me by,
I need to pull myself together,

Lying awake in bed,
Paralysed with anxiety and fear,
Trembling like a leaf on the gentlest of breezes
With not a single thought that is clear,
Not knowing why my heart is racing,
No real excuse for this tremor plaguing my chest,
Trying to calm my breathing,
To let my tired and warn out body rest,

Lying awake in bed,
With silent tears filling up my eyes,
And with an emotionless face,
Covering the scars as the perfect disguise,
Past thoughts, actions and decisions,
Galloping through my mind,
Like a bunch of wild horses,
None of which treat me kind,
Anger building up,
Resentment and regret,
What I wouldn’t do,
For just once to be able to forget,

Lying awake in bed,
I struggle to switch of and relax,
I just patiently wait for this punishment,
To reach it’s finale or climax,
Then I can rest,
Drift of to the land of nod,
Where dreams or nightmares await,
My subconscious playing god,

I awake in the morning,
With just under five seconds grace,
Pure emptiness,
Before these emotions and feelings once again embrace,
I get up and sit on the edge of my bed,
And I take a deep breath in,
I swallow all this pain and hurt,
And I preform the smallest of grin,
Cos although I suffer,
And every day I fight so hard to survive,
I will fight no matter what life chucks at me,
Cos today I woke up alive.


Wrote on: 31/05/2023

A new razor awaits,
Aftershave at the ready,
A deep breath in,
To make my hand steady,
A little tear,
And the slightest of grins,
Time to face the demons,
That takes residence within,

One slice for punishment,
Another for the pain,
One slice to remember who I am,
Another to forget my name,
One slice cos this is what I deserve,
Another cos I’m ok,
One slice cos this is my escape,
Another cos this is my only way,

The blood drips down my leg,
The red tears of my soul,
A spray of aftershave,
Agony and pain is my goal,
I breathe heavy,
I tremble and I shake,
Screaming “You deserve this”
But just adding more to my self-hate,

One slice cos I’m numb,
Another cos I’m cold inside,
One slice cos I want to live,
Another cos I want to die,
One slice for the memories that haunt me,
Another for my future mistakes,
One slice for what life offers me,
Another for what it takes,

I try not to self-harm anymore,
But not cos I’m strong willed or tough,
But its cos if I started slicing,
I’d never be able to cut deep enough.

Wrote on: 18/06/2023

Once upon a time little Callum had a dream,
To be happy and full of self-esteem,
To not have fear and to be happy in life,
To settle down, have kids and a wife,
To live in a world that was safe and secure,
To be happy and content and nothing much more
But one day the devil he did came to me,
Changed my mind and everything I see,
Now all I see is darkness in my mind,
With self-hating demons following me all the time,
Voices in my head and tears in my eyes,
I had a happy few years but now I just wanna die,
Pushing people away, cos my demons they do stay,
Cos I’m so messed up I just wanna fade away,
Nightmares and terrors every single night,
Mental health aint killed me yet but I’m getting to tired to fight,


Once upon a time little Callum had a dream,
To be happy and full of self-esteem,
To not have fear and to be happy in life,
To settle down, have kids and a wife,
To live in a world that was safe and secure,
To be happy and content and nothing much more
But I can’t have kids and my marriage fell apart,
So now I’m mentally ill but with a broken heart,
I can’t find a friend and I can’t find a lover,
Cos the world is divided and we all hate each other,
No one can be nice, no one can even get along,
Cos if you are right and everyone else is wrong,
Money controls the world, it’s the only thing that counts,
But I’ve lived my life skint, so my problems they do mount,
We all hate on others cos we are all insecure,
And if we want what they have we kill them in a war,
We argue and bicker, horrible as they come,
And If they beat us with words then we shoot them with a gun,

Once upon a time little Callum had a dream,
To be happy and full of self-esteem,
To not have fear and to be happy in life,
To settle down, have kids and a wife,
To live in a world that was safe and secure,
To be happy and content and nothing much more,
But life is beautiful it’s humans that make it hard,
So much violence in this world, no wonder we are all scarred,
We are in a massive rat race, so we must be all rats,
And with the devil playing tricks on me how can I compete with that,
And love is just a fairy-tale, made to make a profit,
The reality is much darker and it will all turn to shit,
Yet we live on a planet that gives us all we need,
But we rape and destroy it cos we all live a life of greed,


So fuck you little Callum and fuck your little dream,
Cos life can be so cruel and it aint what it seems,
Broken heart, broken mind and broken fucking life,
So go to the kitchen and get the sharpest knife,
Cut the pain away, and cut it all out,
Cos when you had your dream Callum, you forgot about the doubt,
So Fuck you little Callum you should really fucking die,
Cos you promised me a dream but you told me a massive lie,
I’m scared, I’m alone with demons in my head,
And thanks to your little dream Callum, I’ll soon be fucking dead,
I’m frightened, I’m nervous, I’m having a panic attack,
And it’s only getting harder, I just wanna go back,

So fuck you little Callum, and get that dream out your head,
Fuck you little Callum, you should’ve had a nightmare instead.

So fuck you little Callum, and get that dream out your head,
Fuck you little Callum, you should’ve had a nightmare instead.

Wrote on: 15/04/2023

In the darkest of corners,
In the depths of my mind,
There is a young boy called Callum,
Not yet distinguished or defined,
He is free,
From the punishment of age,
He is innocent and pure
With his happiness yet to be caged,
I try talking to him,
But he doesn’t answer back,
I apologise to him every single day,
For the way I live and act,
I make stupid decisions daily,
Why? …. Just because,
And I know he would be ashamed of me,
If he knew what judgement was,
I live a wreck less and selfish life,
Drinking, drugging and smoking it away,
And losing myself and who I am,
Is the punishment I pay,
All I have is a memory,
Of that little boy that was me,
I got his hopes and dreams and locked them in a cage,
Never again to be free,
I stole his future,
And sold it for pain,
I stole everything he had,
And only left him his name,
I put him on trial,
Just to see him suffer,
He gave me a chance of a good life,
And my ignorance made it tougher,
I stole away his youth,
And then I blamed him,
And I even risked his life,
And gambled it on a whim,
I reach out for him sometimes,,
But I seem to be getting further and further away,
And as I get older with age,
He dies a little more each day,
Me, age and life,
Will end up killing the child in me,
And we will drink from the so called cup of glory,
And dance in the debris,
I won’t realise the mistake I made,
Until it’s too late,
I made a fool from this child,
When he wanted me to be great,
His pure little heart,
Will turn black with pain,
And all the innocence he had,
Will all die in vain,
I know this innocent child will perish,
But when, that I don’t know,
But what I don’t care to realise or understand,
Is that the child in me died many years ago.

Wrote on: 30/04/2023

Picking up the pieces of my broken life,
With guilt and shame cut deep like a knife,
With my depression the worst it ever has been,
And heartache straight out of a movie scene,
My loneliness started feeling a bit too lonely,
Everyone wants a cuddle but no one wanted one from me,
I heard of rumours of love from eastern lands,
Who for a certain price will cure the heart of a lonely man,
I walked to my destination with thoughts of naughty and fun,
Swapping my pain and darkness for smiles and cum,
I paid for a connection but I think I got short changed,
Going down a road in life that even my demons find strange,
A darkened room with seedy flickering lights,
Telling tales of broken men trying to cure their lonely nights,
I’m just another man with money in his pocket,
Lured into the depths of darkness like a horny lost prophet,
She asks me what I want with such luring eyes,
I stammered out “To be loved” and then I cried,
I want a skin to skin cuddle and to feel your heart against mine,
I want to connect with another human, and peace I want to find,
She takes my payment and then takes me to a room,
With smells of broken men’s aftershave and a prostitutes perfume,
We both get undressed, no messing around,
I’m shaking with anxiety and a new, more profound guilt is found,
She tells me to relax in her broken English voice,
I make small talk and find out she’s here by choice,
A beautiful woman desperate for money,
We are both suffering in life, how ironically funny,
She masturbates me as I hold her close,
A Skin to skin cuddle, which is free for most,
My whole allotted time I do nothing but cry,
She sheds a singular tear herself, I didn’t ask why,
Covered in shame I start to tickle her skin,
If I can please her maybe this won’t be classed as sin,
I get aroused, completely lost in my pain,
Feeling dirty cos I don’t even know her name,
Drunk on my sorrow, I cry as I cum,
No more emotions, I’m back to being numb,
30 minutes and my time is up,
She hands me a tissue to clean myself up,
She wipes my tears away from her aging breast,
Says an awkward thank you then gets dressed,
My tears now smelling of vanilla,
Feeling ashamed and dirty, my conscience now being the killer,
I shake as I get dressed,
Tell her I’m sorry and wish her all the best,
I leave through the back, no longer knowing who I am,
Walking amongst my fellow humans, trying to blend in, if I can,
I catch my bus home thinking everybody knows,
Sat there patiently hoping my paranoia goes,
I get home and I scream and curse at the demons that never leave me,
I cry some more but this time it’s for free,
Looking into a mirror trying to recognise myself,
A Poor man who’s rich with a bastards wealth,
I feel sick to my core, like never before,
But for some reason begging myself for more,
I’m a now dirty scumbag fuelling the underground,
My reasons for going never to be heard, not even in a single whisper or sound,
But I realise everything has a price, even connection and love,
So I’ll be going again next payday, cos 30 minutes wasn’t enough.


Wrote on: 07/05/2023

With a cigarette hanging out my mouth,
I’m a damaged man riddled with mental health,
I pour myself a drink at 10am,
To drown myself out and them,
I huddle on the floor,
Begging for no more,
Never hungry, barely eating,
Losing so much weight, at least fatness I’m beating,
Put my iPod on random,
Manic laughing listening to sad music, me and crazy in tandem,
Smoke 40 a day,
Drink as much as I can put away,
Live in the prison I’m supposed to call my home,
The loneliest prison I have ever known,
14 hours of this,
Crying, smoking and on the piss,
Whilst my demons hold me tight,
I cry myself to sleep each night,
My day to day,
Not much to say,
I’m a drunken mess,
Who to my own suicide I say yes,
In a rut, depression I greet,
Today, yesterday, tomorrow, Repeat.

Wrote on: 12/04/2023

Please don’t notice me,
I’m in a bad place today,
Please just leave me be,
And let me fade away,
I’m very anxious and nervous,
And I’m holding back tears,
Lost in a tearful fearful emptiness,
And it’s been building up for years,
I have stuff to sort today,
It’s the reason I was forced to come outside,
I just hope that I’ve sobered up enough,
And that you don’t notice how much I’ve cried,
I just want to do what I need to do,
Then get back home A.S.A.P.
So please don’t let me break,
Please don’t notice me,
I know I’m failing in life,
I know I’m a pathetic excuse of a man,
I know I’ve fucked up and need to get a grip,
But I’m so fragile I don’t know if I can,
I won’t get in your way,
So please just let me do what I need to do,
And If you leave me be,
I promise I won’t breakdown in front of you.
Please don’t notice me,
I beg of you once again,
Please don’t notice me,
I am at my end.

Wrote on 11/04/2023

A thug in a white coat giving me medication,
Locked up for a month for angry meditation,
All I hear is the crazies screaming,
With me mad as a hatter thinking I’m dreaming,
Looking at the bruises that the coppers gave me,
Praying to my atheist god too come and save me,
Getting my backie stolen when I go for a piss,
A nurse handing me a razor hoping I’ll slice up my wrists,
I’m so scared that it’s making me worse,
Playing with witchcraft and voodoo dolls to lift this curse,
Talking to my hallucinations like a nuisance passenger,
If he steals my lighter again I’m going on a massacre,
Can’t stop laughing whilst I’m crying,
My mind gone mad, slowly dying,
So confused, can’t stop if’ing and why’ing,
Off my head, reality I keep defying,
I’m in this nut house howling at the moon,
What did you expect from someone who’s crazy as a loon,
Big bad bully nurses picking on me,
My hallucinations aint the only evil that I see,
But complaining falls on death ears and eyes don’t see
Cos I’m mentally ill so no one will listen to me,
So I’ll do my time, write my rhymes,
And one day I’ll be out in no time,
Just serve this sentence of evil and hate,
Then this crazy man can walk straight out the gate
Then I’m out on the streets and I see all your normals,
Chaos and madness but it’s presented as formal,
It’s obvious that I stand out like a sore thumb,
So confused that this is what I wanted, I feel dumb,
Is it me or is it you that is ill’er,
I’m a newly released mental patient walking around with killers,
The normality sends me crazy,
Whilst the blood on your hands makes you all lazy,
I don’t want to be in a nuthouse all my life,
But when you’re married to crazy and madness is your wife,
The streets are dangerous, to dangerous for me,
Even tho the devil I do see,
I got released, a free man I am,
But the madness I have is minimal compared to my fellow man,
I’m scared, I’m alone, I’m having a panic attack,
So Fuck this shit…… I’m going back!


Wrote on: 30/01/2023

I’m at the carnival for the lost,
The damaged and the broken,
On the merry go round all by myself,
And on the fumes of misery I’m choking,
The tune is all distorted,
Once a delight to hear,
Now all demonic,
Spreading hate and fear,
The horse of death,
For which I am perched upon,
Go’s up and down and round and round,
With both our minds now fully gone,
The joker, the jester,
The man of this machine,
Now only a figment of a ghost,
For he never manged to get clean,
This was once the towns delight,
Bringing people from near and far,
But only the darkness remains,
And having hope is considered bizarre,
The devil haunts and taunts me,
At the carnival for the lost,
It was free to ride the merry go round,
Only my soul it did cost,
So I will ride the horse of death
Until my soul has been spent,
Then spend the rest of my existence,
In the devils torment.


Wrote on: 2401/2023

When I go to sleep,
I know that demons start to creep,
Haunting my every dream,

Watching over me as I rest
Putting my insecurities to the test,
Always the same old theme,

Dark demented beings with cold black hearts,
Staring straight at me from the start,
Sat at the end of my bed,

Invisible in day, only clear to closed eyes,
Watching me whimper, watching me sigh,
Getting evermore deeper inside my head,

They feed on darkness, they feed on pain,
Softly touching our feet, time and time again,
You know… I’m right,

Nightmare come, nightmare go,
Straight from hell, a pure demonic show,
Haunting my restless sleep tonight.

Wrote on: 14/02/2022